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My Story

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Someone recently messaged  me, “would like to hear your story.” “My story…,” was my response. The word association in my mind when I hear “my story” is off the chain. My excuse, my blockage, my perspective, my tale, my fantasy, my life. Where do I even begin? What aspect of my story do you want to hear? My spiritual journey, my upbringing, my battle with sex and being a sexual being, my  experience being black or a woman, my philosophical beliefs over the years. What is most impartant to me that I’d like to share as my story. So much flooded my mind I didn’t even start. Shortly after, I’m listening to a radio blog show and this metaphysicist shared an exercise that he gives his students. He tells them to write down their story. Flash back months prior, the calm voice inside of me says “Write Alicia. Write it all down.” Write it all down? Write what all down?  Light Bulb! My Story. I’ll break it down into subjects and explore those aspects from my earliest memorable experiences until now.


My Story-SEX

My Story- Spirit

My Story- Life

My Story- Being Black

Like to hear it? Here it goes…

For as long as I can remember I was molested. From under 4 years old to 9 years old. It wasn’t an adult that touched me. It was my older cousin. We humped with our clothes off and on throughout my childhood. It felt good getting my genitalia rubbed on and caressed. As a toddler I had no clue it was wrong. It felt really good, but it didn’t seem right. How could someone I love and trust {my favorite big cousin} teach me something that’s harmful or bad. I rolled with it. My cousins and I frolicked every opportunity that arose. It didn’t just stop with my cousins. In kindergarten, I taught my playmates how to play dirty. I made them hump each other and myself. Same went for daycare. Boys, girls, it really didn’t matter as long as they rubbed me the right way it was a go. At school and daycare it was always with our clothes on. This behavior went on until I was 9 years old, and my cousin put his penis in my butt hole. I nearly lost my mind. That was the first and last time ever he penetrated me. I ran so fast in to my parent’s room and hid under  their water bed. I slept there and didn’t budge all night.

I was a highly sexualized child because I knew what it felt like to be rubbed the right way. At the ripe age of 13 I had vaginal sex for the very first time. I was in love and my hormones were off the chart. I decieded to do it at my house while my parents were at work. We were in my room “bucket naked” {Bernie Mac voice} on the bottom bunk. He started off on top of me and it hurt at first, but once that initial pain went away I ended up on top of him. It just so happened that my mom decided to come home in the middle of the day for one reason or another. Well, we failed to hear the garage or back door open due to the loud music blasting through my radio speakers. Next thing you know my bedroom door busted open and I ran into the closet. He quickly got dressed and attempted to esacpe. Meanwhile my mom rushed in to her bedroom in search of her gun. Luckily my dad moved it a week or so prior to this incident or else my love {at the time} would have been murdered. She came back in my room and told him not to go any where. Everything else from that point is fuzzy. Embarassing!

From 13-17 I was only with one partner. Sex was like air at the time. Nothing else matter but my next nut. Being minors without our own shelter caused us to create space an opportunity any and everywhere we could. And that we did! It was a parent’s worst nightmare. I had more sex in public during that four year period than I’ve had in my life since then. Parks, school, cars, apartment building, benches, dug outs, people’s homes, and anywhere. I would leave school to meet with him and we’d have sex all day. It was crazy. I remember we went to this park right down the street from my school and set up camp in the dug out and  we were doing all sorts of things as if we were invisible. This lady walked by and was like “ya’ll should be ashamed of yourselves!” We weren’t even phased; we kept right on getting it in like the getting was good. Every so many days we’d meet at this park near my house and I’d bring a couple of sheets and we’d lay out and have passionate sessions right there on the grass in the back of the park. the residents of the condos next to the park had the perfect view from their windows. We put on a great show.

There were plenty of dangerous situations I placed myself in just to have sex. Ridiculousness!!!

My senior year of high school, we broke up and my biggest concern was where I was going to get some “booty,” as I called it back then. I was terrified by the thought of not having an exclusive sexual partner. I knew my appetite and I needed someone to step up to the plate because the last thing I wanted to do was rack up numbers. Gratefully I had someone lined up. I had the hugest cruch on him and I choose him to be my partner! Winning!! or so I thought. What I failed to consider is how much I had sex. There was no way someone could fill my ex’s position, especially given that I wasn’t willing to be in a commited “relationship.” I just ended a four year relationship for crying out loud. Why on God’s colorful earth would I jump right back into one.

September 2003, I started college. The end of October 2003, I was told that I’ve contracted my first STD!!! WHAT?! I had been with one partner for 4 years and I’ve never had any problems. As soon as let a new partner in I’m diseased. Not Cool! Oh but it was so smooth the way the doctor told me about it. He sits me down, and says {I’m paraphrasing} “I want to talk to you about STDs. There are two classifications. There are bacterial infections that require antibiotics to treat and heal, and then there are viruses which you do not get rid of. Viruses stay with you for the rest of your life, once you are a carrier you will always be a carrier. Though there are ways to ease and treat the symptoms.” So the first thing out of my mouth is, “Ok doc, give me my antibiotics and lets get on with it.” “Well, Alicia,” he said, “Unfortunately you have a virus {eyes popped out of my head, mouth and heart dropped}. Now there are three types of viruses. There is herpes simplex I and II, HIV and AIDS, {by this time I’m picturing my funeral}, and finally HPV. Fortunately you have HPV.” How in the hell is this fortunate, is what I was thinking. “HPV is Human Papaloma Virus, it is fairly new and there are various strands of it. Some strands are cancerous and lead to cervical cancer. While other strand cause warts inside of your vagina.” WHAT? “The absolute worse case scenerio is a hysterectomy.” WHAT? Mind you I was only 17 at this time. I only had unprotected sex with two people. My whole life was over before it even began.

I had to get tests done to determine the strand(s) that I carried which determined which type of treament I would need. I found out I had the type that causes cancer and my irregular cells were already precancerous, which meant that they needed to perform emergency surgery right away. OMG! The very next day I had to have cryothereapy. It was awful. I was wide awake. I felt EVERYTHING!!!!!! My poor heart. I was so confused and disgusted with myself. I was pissed off because I found out that due to the time frame of the precancerous cell growth the culprit was the young man I had given 4 years of my life to and all of this good good. WTF!!!! I was so broken. I felt like I would never be a wife or mother. Trying to justify why God would allow such a thing to happen to me, I came to the realization that my mission must be to infect shallow men. WHY ELSE? Men were always so caught up in my beautiful face failing to even TASTE my mind. It grew to be burdensome. So, if they wanted a beautiful lady to lay with they could do so in exchange for their health. BUT  that didn’t feel good so I didn’t follow through with that plan.

Shortly after, while in college I met my second boyfriend. The love affair lasted 4 months and abruptly ended the night of April 8, morning of April 9, when he raped me. Yes, that happened. My boyfriend, who could get it with ease, couldn’t wait a few nights until my yeast infection healed, and forced himself inside of me without a condom, against my will. He forcefully pushed my knees to my ears, stuck his DICK inside of me, and fucked me while I had a yeast infection. I was in shock, scared, silent, out of my mind, and began crying unconsolable. Thats when he snapped out of it, released his death grip, and slid out.  I didn’t know what the hell just happened. He apologized and I just wept ALL night. In the middle of the night he said something to the effect of “Stop all that got damn crying. I said I’m Sorry. I have to go to work in the morning!” I laid there in disbelief, like who the hell was this man I was laying next to? Did He just rape me? I mean he didn’t beat me up. He wasn’t a stranger. What was that? I was so thrown off and confused. Luckily I had a doctor’s appointment the morning after it happened. Due to the HPV, I had to visit the Dr. quite frequently to be closer monitored, clipped and snipped on.  So there I was a nervous wreck; shaking, crying, and apprehensive about my OBGYN touching me. I kept pushing her away. She knew me well enough to know something wasn’t right. I told her I don’t know what happened and that I my boyfriend didn’t rape me, he just “forced himself inside of me.” I was a mess.

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Showing 12 comments
  • Manzie

    Alicia when I say I am speechless, I am. your story correlates with my own in such a way that at times it felt like I was reading my own story. Wow! Thank you truly for your honesty and straight forwardness. As for me, I have only truly shared my story with my husband and God. When you suffer traumatic experiences, it’s often hard to tell others for fear that they won’t relate to you or that they’ll judge you. I have always had a pull to write out my memoir. I have an affinity for writing, however whenever I start to write about my life memories flood my mind, I get agitated, angry, hurt, and in the end so frustrated that I never finish it. To lay out your past hurts, abuse, pain , and raw self is not easy. I applaud you for taking the first step of many. You have inspired me to brave through my story because in the end I made it through, I’m victorious. It didn’t kill me, it didnt stop me, and it has only made me wiser. I am looking forward to reading more and I thank you for being open. Just know woman to woman, when you share your pain it helps me release mine. When you speak on sexual abuse and rape, it helps me heal from the abuse I suffered. When you speak on being a strong black woman, know that it reassures me that I’m not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And trust that these words are not mere flattery, but truth.

    • Alicia

      Thanks so Much Cousin!!! I’m so glad that it resonates with you sis. I’m so thankful that it has inspired you to push through and let it all out. I too feel the emotions all over again as I write, which pushes me to keep going because I know that it is releasing. Though I must say it is far easier for me to release {write} about my sexual abuse than it is to write about my Cult Experience. Most likely because the cult experience is fairly new. I will get there eventually. And I have a lot more where this came from. So stay tuned and share with a friend or loved ones who need healing. I appreciate your feedback.

  • Rafiki Wako

    Brilliant. Well written from a more objective,than subjective point of view. Refreshing in that it is brutally honest and revealing, yet ultimately more empowering, than apologetic. I love the way you bravely confront your demons, accept and love yourself in unconditionally, and hope your work is cathartic to you, and inspirational to others.

    • Alicia

      Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
      This is merely the beginning. I’m so eager to let this all out and purge while sharing with everyone. I truly hope that my story will inspire healing.

      Please look around the site and ask questions, comment, subscribe, and share with your friends.
      I truly appreciate your comment!!!

  • Jess

    thank you Alicia for being so transparent. You are such a blessing

    • Alicia

      You are so welcome. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate you sis.

  • Sireena

    Your spirit is truly amazing. Thank you.

    • Alicia

      Thank you sis!!!! I appreciate your comment. I love it!!! Enjoy the site and feel free to ask questions, comment, and share.

  • Shelly

    I really appreciate how honest you are and your blog posts have helped me immensely come to terms with the honesty of my life and spirituality. For that I say thank you. You definitely have an amazing story and I know it takes a lot of guts to put it all out there! I know you haven’t gotten here yet but I’d like to talk to you about the Society…I am an ex member and have been seeking help. You are the main survivor I can relate to. If you have time to connect with me it would be sooo helpful.

    • Alicia

      Thanks for your support and for commenting. I sincerely appreciate your exchange. Let’s talk about it sis. What specifically would you like to know. Perhaps your questions can assist me to get the ball Rolling getting it all out of me. Please ask me specifically what ever you’d like to ask. Don’t hold back sis. I’ll answer you questions via posts. That way I can have motivation/ inspiration to write about it. I need to and want to, so let’s be partners sis. Ask away. What is your first question?

    • Alicia

      I tried emailing you several times but the email isn’t working. PLease do contact me Sis @ 412-IAm-Love. I am overjoyed to converse with you about the psychological, emotional, spiritual,and energetic impact of our paradigm shift, or be ears, a shoulder, a hug, etc. COnnection is Key and I look forward to linking with you. I also have a youtube channel: Alicia Monet, subscribe and give me feedback.

  • Maggie


    I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon you and your story. I have gone through some of the same things you have and for a while I felt alone. Thank you for sharing your story and being such an inspiration to many siSTARS out there including myself :-)

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