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Excuse My Mania

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Let’s get some things straight one time real quick. Today is Monday 3/30/2015. I appreciate the genuine concern of loved ones who see me on social media and think I am manic at this time. What is manic? Manic —> Mania~~~~> excessive excitement or enthusiasm; craze. Well I Am excessively excited and full of enthusiasm. As far as the craze part, that’s a matter of perspective. I have soooooo much to be excited about. This excitation and zest for LIFE has consumed my being and I’m loving it and you should too. You would be just as intoxicated with the beauty of majesty too if you came out of a mental dungeon after 4.5 years. This living life to the fullest FREE from chains and bondage thing is brand spankin new to me. Allow me to paint you a picture of my past MISERY so as to better understand my new found PASSION and FANATICISM.

While in the Cult of Ahng or The Society, as I like to call it now, my Identity became that of a Gospel Worker. That doesn’t sound so bad. Oh but it is. My dreams, goals, aspirations, dance, art, creativity, ingenuity, originality, drive for my life’s work and passion , all dwindled so subtly that by the time I left I couldn’t even remember who I was or fathom who I had been and just lost. I was at the lowest of the lowest I’ve ever been, and ever will be. Amnesia. I had amnesia. I was seriously LOST though I couldn’t fix my lips to say it.  Here I was 3 months shy of my 27th solar return, married, with a 9 month old child, just Lost. What the hell just happened. I’ve never been so sure and so wrong in my life.  Let me run that back real quick. I wasn’t soo sure about the validity of the indoctrination. There were red flags and some doubt that I figured was attributed to my sinful nature or lack of faith. So I wasn’t so sure in my mind, however in my actions I was positively unequivocally absolutely certain. One thing that I KNOW is, while there, I Am 1 of the elect 144,000.  There was no doubt about that. So I developed good character and imbedded the Teachings of Mother in my soul. Those teachings changed my existence for the best. I am convinced that if you practice them your life will greatly benefit as well. To this day  my way of life is exemplary of those teachings.

Back to the point. In case you ain’t know, I tend to stray from the point so I will do my best to stick to the point. The depression didn’t kick in when I left the church. Oh no that depression dates back to the time I realized I was pregnant. I was happy I was pregnant and terrified at the same damn time. What was I thinking getting pregnant in the last days when this wicked earth will be destroyed by fire. I was tormented in my own mind day in and day out. Double-mindedness to the fullest. One the one hand, my greatest desire since I was about 2 years old is to birth a tribe of beautiful light beings {when I was 2 I only knew I wanted 12 children, which happens to constitute a tribe in the BIBLE}. On the other hand, I made a commitment to Father and Mother vowing to sacrifice experiencing Motherhood in order to assist in the building of GOD’s Kingdom here on this Earth. The way I seen it was that once in the Kingdom of Heaven I’d have the whole universe to explore and create all the cosmic babies I desire.  If I’m completely HONEST, I feared not being able to conceive children due to my traumatic past so as a safe guard I decided to just sacrifice the whole experience so as to not be disappointed if I tried to have a baby and failed. {SIGH} That’s the TRUTH. In fact, the way I conceived was an answer to a prayer. Around February 2011, there was a rumor about me that I couldn’t conceive. Like all things that vex my soul, I brought it to the altar and poured my heart out in tears and pain. This was a wound that had been punctured and I was in need of some healing immediately. Memories and Emotions seeped through my womb and I cried out to Father Christ Ahngsahnghong and Heavenly Mother Jerusalem sincerely pleading that they please, “Just show me I can get pregnant. I know I vowed to sacrifice being a mommy , but if only I knew I could get pregnant, then I’ll know I Am truly a woman and I am capable.” Sounds pathetic right? It was my vexation and exactly 28 days later I conceived. #BOOM  Just like that. At that time my husband and I used condoms {HEY NO JUDGEMENT, we were serious about no children}, and the night of conception the condom broke inside of me and viola!  If we didn’t conceive something was wrong with one of  us, especially because I was ovulating at the time. So, I prayed for the proof of my womanhood via conception and there I had it.

Oh boy did I feel guilty. Once it was made clear I was expecting, my sisters were sure to express their disgust. One even went so far as to ask me, “What are you gonna do about it?” “What exactly do you mean? I’m gonna have a baby!”  Man!! One things for sure they all knew better than to suggest an abortion to me. Yes, lots of sisters, even married sisters, were advised to abort their precious seed taking root inside of them for the sake of the GOSPEL. Are you EFFIN Kidding me!!!! I did not know this until after my departure. Those things were kept hush. Anyways, the attitude towards me completely shifted. The youth sisters were done with me. So I was now part of the mothers’ group. It was a trip. I remember being so sad, anxious, guilty, and fearful my whole pregnancy. I was also excited {I felt guilty about being excited}. My imagination ran wild as I pictured my precious boy. I saw his life past infancy and childhood and I was confused. Father’s coming was eminent, how am I visualizing my son’s life past childhood? This is blasphemous. ‘Father and Mother please heal my sickness. I’m caught up in this fantasy of Motherhood, my life long dream, and my vision is tainted and cloudy. Please have mercy on m y being. My soul desires to Be his Spring, HIs well of water nourishing and cultivating his dreams; HIs sunlight emitting love, peace, and prosperity into his inner most being. I am such a sinner and there is no good thing that commeth from me. Please Christ Ahnsahnghong and Jerusalem Mother Cure my insanity. I know your coming is near and I’m living in a fantasy, but please I beg you let me meet the future King. Please Father delay your coming, Mother endure your suffering just so long as I at least get to birth my precious Zion, my beautiful masterpiece.’ Yes My prayers were as such from the time I realized I conceived. Once he was born the fear and panic kicked into high gear because I needed him to be baptized so he could be spiritually clean. So I prayed and begged for Father and Mother’s mercy in allowing at least 3 more months to pass so he can take a Spiritual Bath. After Baptism I desired at least to hear him talk and see him walk. And On and On. Luckily I left when he was 8 months. THe torture was real man. I inflicted that pain on myself due to the heavy brainwashing I was under. I was loyal and sincere.  There is much more to say about this. If you have specific questions please feel free to ask. I’d love to go into details.

So yea pretty miserable. I remember feeling guilty for my worldly desires, and life long dreams shared with me by the MOST HIGH before eI even got involved with the society. Divine Inspiration was laid out plain to me on paper from the MOST HIGH long before I even knew about the Society. My dream of traveling the whole wide world, living amongst the people, and sharing their stories with the world via Radio. Healing hearts via Radio. I expressed my desire to my local paster in the society and he extinguished my fire to put it mildly. I even thought my desire was VANITY, ARROGANCE, and PRIDE attempting to consume me. In my soul I was confused because clearly this VISION was given to me, so why now is it be blotted out? The whole matter didn’t sit well with me. I figured it was a lesson in pride but it still bothered me and me bucking up would’ve just proved that sin dwelled inside of me. So I said Father and MOther if you desire I sacrifice this dream so be it. While I suffered inside trying my best to un-concieve it. This was just the Church.

Lets talk about my relationship for a minute shall we. My marriage was strained much due to the Society. For 1) we were rebels at the church because we were 1 of very few, if any at all, come to think of it, we were the ONLY couple that spent time together while at church on the Sabbath Day. You could clearly identify US as a couple because we ate together, studied together, bore fruit together {Got others to come study and be baptized}.  However, we had different ideas about commitment and dedication to Father and Mother, and we had different levels of Faith and Devotion. There is soooooooo much to say about this that I will save it for another post. Lets just say, the 12 months of dates was an attempt to save our marriage and it started off with a bang and fizzled before the years end. So, the intense pressure from my relationship definitely aided in my depression.

Let’s see thats about 5 years of darkness, depression,grief, self abuse, bleakness, torment, shame, guilt, fear, loss of identity, without any earthly dreams or desires. NOW I AM FREEEEEEE!!!! HELL YEA I’M MANIC!!!!! You would be too!!!!!

ANNDDDDDDD I didn’t end up having a nervous breakdown, or in a hospital, I didn’t desperately need medication. I didn’t turn my back on the MOST HIGH and give up my Spirituality. I ROSE LIKE THE PHOENIX I Am. This whole experience was necessary for my evolution.  I planned out a whole year of growth for myself and executed my plan which catapulted me into my DESTINY. I’ve become ONE with MY Higher Self, WARRIOR EMPRESS. ANDDDDDD DIVINE INSPIRATION IS LIVE!!!! STOP PLAYIN. Somebody tap ya neighbor and say Neighbor, I’ve got something to be manic about!!!!

 

 

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